A Conversation with Doubt

“Hey me, how are you today?”  he asked.

“Good  I suppose.”

“Are you sure?”

“I think so.”

“You are not sure, you never are sure!” he snapped. “I know you and you’re struggling.  Struggling to be comfortable with what you are putting here.”

“Oh shut up, I am enjoying myself.” I respond.

“Yea, yea same ole response.  You don’t fool me.  You feel like an awkward teen exposing yourself like this.  Thinking you can write.  You can’t write!  What are your credentials?”

“Ah, I went to college at Arizona State.  Studied history.  So I wrote lots there.  And I am a storyteller.  I have lots of stories to tell.”

“You’re fooling yourself!” he says laughing.  “What does history have to do with writing?”

“Shut up!” I reply angrily.  “I am enjoying myself.  There is some doubt YES!  But I am ok with it.  I have only been doing it for a little over a month.  I’ll be fine. I will improve.  I will find my groove.  Let me enjoy this.”

“You cringe every time you hit that publish button!  I love it!  It’s so much fun for me.  Struggle, struggle, struggle!” he says with thumbs in his ears motioning his remaining fingers in an up and down motion.

“You are just wanting me to think too much!”

“Isn’t that what you do?”  he asked.

“Sometimes.”

“Yea, at times when you doubt yourself.  Which is lots!  You….you couldn’t write something good if the country depended on it!  You just fool yourself.  You make yourself believe you can write.  I know.  Cause I am YOUR doubt!  I make you struggle.  You aren’t humorous.  You can’t tell a story with words.  Sure, your mind has lots of stuff it in but…”

“STOP!”  I yell.  “I hate you!”

“Push that publish button!  See what happens.  I dare you!” he responds!  “You’ll cringe.  You’ll wonder.  It will drive you crazy.  You’ll spend more time thinking how bad your post is than you will write that day!  You are pathetic!   Ninny ninny boo boo…..Ha Ha Ha..DOUBTER!”

“I’ll show you!  I’ll push publish and I’ll smile.  I’ll push publish and know people will get a kick out of this.  Cause I don’t have anything on my mind today and I just want to post something.  So stop your baby antics and leave me alone!”

“You have doubt on your mind right now.  I feel it.  You do daily.”

“Not today!” I say to him.  “I will show you!

“OH yea! Then publish it.” he says laughing.  “You’ve been writing this for an hour.  Your mind is like the raging rapids of a Montana river!  You don’t dare post this!”

“I’ll show you!  I will publish this!”  I respond.  “I am enjoying this post if you want to know the truth!”

“I know you are enjoying yourself.  I feel it.  And good for you!  It’s about time!  But after a few minutes of reassurance, I will creep back into that stubborn brain of yours.” he says. “And it’s so so easy to get your doubting.  I LOOOOVE watching you struggle.  I love watching you feel uneasy.  It makes me giggle!”

“Hey, I reread all my post!” I yell back angrily.  “I am comfortable with them all.  My writing is a work in progress.  I get my point across!  Sure, I am along way from lots of people on here.  But I will improve.  I will dedicate myself.  I know me!”

“You pathetic fool,”  he replies calmly. “I have you right were I want you!  I rule you.  You haven’t dedicated yourself all your life.  You are an Adult Child of an Alcoholic Parent.  The perfect excuse to doubt yourself always!  You don’t finish anything.  And it won’t start with writing!”

“SHUT UP!”  I yell again angrily.

“I am DOUBT!  YOUR DOUBT!” he quickly replies with his annoying laugh.  “Oh how I love this!  I feel like the Joker on Batman!  Hit that publish button.  I dare you!  Let me see ME cringe!”

“Leave me alone.  I have enjoyed this last month.  Things are flowing in my mind and I feel good about it for once!”

“Dream boy!” he whispers. ” That’s what you do. Dream.  Ha!  Ha! Ha!  No one cares.  So hit that publish button and worry all day!  Go Ahead.  I dare you!”

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “A Conversation with Doubt

  1. Stupid doubt. You showed him! This made me smile, too. 🙂

    When I first started blogging, I hadn’t a clue how this works. I just wrote, and hit “publish.” No one “liked” anything. No one commented. Except my boyfriend at the time. And then one day, I got curious about tags, and so fiddled around with them. The next day, my stats showed a few visits. And I got my first “like.” It was only then I realized no one had been reading what I wrote for months. I hadn’t actually published anything. All that time I thought I was the worst blogger ever. Long comment short, I am most familiar with that bastard Doubt. Every time we hit “publish,” he’s driven farther into exile.

    • I am still uncertain how people are finding me other than “Trifecta” writing challenge. I wanted to meet more ACoAs to be honest. I thought that was the direction my blog would go. Seems I am “writing” more. Which is something I wanted as well. I’d love to find someone to critique some writing as some point too. Maybe all this will come along. Some post I feel I am writing to myself which is ok cause most are written for myself in a strange way. I don’t know if that even makes sense. Thanks for your story and its nice to know others feel like I do. I still have doubt but I am ok with it.

      • I ran across your posts when I was reading posts tagged with alcoholism. And then I started following you. So now you cannot escape. You might have a look at the posts under pertinent tags and I bet you’ll find more ACoAs. Writing for yourself makes perfect sense. I do the same. Or at least strive to.

  2. Loved it-laughed a lot & could relate to it totally:-)You have touched upon all the “vital stats” here!Keep at it & am sure soon that Devil will be cringing at the “likes” & positive comments that will be flowing in:-)All the best!

  3. Loved this conversation with doubt. Doubt is definitely a party crasher. The only way I get the nerve to publish is to not think about the response. Even though I decide that I’m okay with it even if no one else isn’t, it’s still a bummer when only a few people read it 🙂 Keep at it….each publish kicks doubt in the knees (or higher, if you wish.)

    • I understand how you feel about only a few people reading it. I know I don’t write about the most uplifting things, but I cringe to think my writing is so bad no one will want to read. I am want to kick doubt anywhere I can and above the knee would be a great place to get him down.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s