Mind of Shoo and The Shawshank Redemption

Ok, I am definitely not Rita Hayworth.  However, I have an affinity for the movie The Shawshank Redemption. It is my escape, my happy pill when I find myself wondering what is going on in the Mind of Shoo. I can’t explain why I enjoy the movie so much.  Nor can I explain why watching it really helps me out of the dark days life brings my way. Perhaps its the friendship between Andy and Red that makes me smile. Maybe it is how brilliant Andy was in fooling everyone during the years he carved his way out of prison. Maybe because the movie mirrors my life in the many ways:

The prison holds my mind. The large stone walls seemingly rising to the heavens. So many thoughts awaiting parole. Housed so long within the aging walls, often silent, always haunting me in the darkness of my cell.

I feel like Andy Dufresne. I am charged with a crime, which in my case is alcoholism. However I am innocent. I was not the alcoholic. But I am the one sentenced to life. Just for being part of dysfunctional upbringing. It is this upbringing that keeps me imprisoned. I, like Andy, have my moments of joy or feeling free. Like on the roof of the plate factory or listening to opera. I have my hobbies. They are numerous and varied.  I have my friends, everchanging over time.

Boggs and the sisters are the characteristics that Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents suffer. As we go through our everyday life, they are there watching my every move.  Waiting for the right moment to pounce. To take me against my will. Sometimes I fight them and win. Often I just give in. I am still waiting for Office Handley to rid me of these ugly character faults for good. To beat them to submission never to bother me again.

Speaking of Office Handley, I had him in the form of my father. His baton was alcohol. Using it to inflict damage both mentally or physically. Easily flying off the handle at the slightest issue. Often, he had no soul.

And I have time.  Time to slowly tunnel away through rock in an effort to be free.  To be free of the chaos that haunts me.  Time to manipulate the world around me so I am achieve a successful breakout of my own demons that have been holding me all these years.  Like Andy, I silently plan while I’m playfully outgoing and friendly.  Concerning.  Seeking knowledge.  Waiting for my day to crawl through the sewage of life and land safely on a beautiful beach.  Free from my past.  Forever. 

Finally, like Andy I have hope.  As he writes Red in the movie, “Hope is a good thing.  Maybe the best of things.  And no good things ever dies.”  I’m waiting for my Red.  Whoever that may be.  I’m patient, like Andy Dufresne.  And hopeful

Till we meet again.  Enjoy the movie.

Mind of Shoo

Too Young

This weekend we’re asking for 33 of your own words that exorcise a demon.  One of your own, or one from your imagination.  Let it bleed on the page.

This week’s challenge is community-judged.
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Good luck!
This work is fiction written for the challenge above.  Exorcise a demon:
Drunk again.  Yelling. Beating. Pain.  
I have seen it all. 
I’m too young to see this. 
It has to end now. 
I slowly aim
Then pull the trigger. 

Blood and silence. 
Its over.

Oh how I love my mornings!

I feel defeated.  I never finish.  I always have excuses.  This is my typical morning!

Self:  I need to write this morning.

procrastinating self:  No you don’t.  Look at all the blogs to read.  You can learn.

Self: But my time is limited.  I work today.  The kids will be up soon.  I need to write daily!

procrastinating self:  Don’t you get it fool, if you read more blogs you will learn new styles, learn about humor and you’ll be a better writer!.

Self:  Hmmm.  True.  Did the Sun’s win last night?

procrastinating self:  Go to ESPN dot com.  Do it!

Self:  NO!  I need to write.  But nothing is flowing at the moment. www dot espn. com just to see the score.  That’s it! Click!

procrastinating Self:  Hey, how many points did Michael Bisley score?  Why didn’t he start?  I am sure there is more info on that at AZ Central.

Self:  Yea, why didn’t he start?  www dot AZ Central dot com.  Oh an article on the Cardinals QB situation.  CLICK

procrastinating self:  The sink is full of dishes.

Self:  But this is my writing time.  I wake up at 5am just to write, ME time.  Just one more article!

procrastinating self:  Why did LSU coach Miles suspend a player?  A punter.  Hmmm that’s interesting.  Go there.

Self:  Why did Miles do that?  www theadvocate dot com.  Miles suspends punter for bowl game.  click!

procrastinating self: Things are flowing now!  Wooo Whooo!  Keep it going dude!  You still have plenty of time to write.

Self:  Last article, its short.  Oh I need to make the kids lunch.  I can do it quick!  After I read this article.  Then I’ll write.

procrastinating self:  How many pages have I written on my script?  Lets count again, just to keep track.

Self:  Ok great idea!  Then I will write at least two more pages.  Open word!

procrastinating self:  The kids will be up soon! Make those lunches now so you will have more time to write while they are up!

Self:  Great idea.  Be right back.  Then I’ll count the pages of my script.  Then write.  I have plenty of time!

procrastinating self:  Hey, you haven’t eaten scrambled eggs in a while.  That’s a quick breakfast.

Self:  let’s see, one more article to read….count pages…almost done with lunches…..its only 6 now.  We have eggs!  I am hungry, that’s true!

procrastinating self:  How about some music while you cook and finish those lunches!

Self:  hmmm am I in the mood to rock?  What will help me get into the writing from of mind?  www dot youtube.com

procrastinating self:  How about watching that Conan commencement speech to the Dartmouth Class of 2011!  You can laugh again!

Self:  I LOVE that speech.  Conan is hilarious!  Ok type that in…..conan darmouth speech.  Ah!  there it is  click!  I love the part…

procrastinating self:  Ok, just watch the first few minutes of it.  Till the part about the oak tree trunk podium!  You have time.

Self:  Yeah, I can do the kids lunch real quick and then put the speech up loud and cook.  That will get me in the writing frame of mine.

procrastinating self:  Yea you do have plenty of time.  Hey, I just heard the paper hit the concrete.  You can get the story about the firing of the high school coach!

Self:  I wonder why they fired him.  Let me get my robe on.  Darn there are a lot of dirty clothes here.  I wonder if the kids have something to wear?

procrastinating self:  You don’t want them going to school in the same old clothes, throw them in the washer real quick.  Just take a second.  You have plenty of time!

Self:  True!  Ok, just separate the kids clothes from mine.  Whites from colors.  Ok  real quick.  I got to get those lunches started.  Cook breakfast for me.

procrastinating self:  Hey you, the Conan speech is done, find something else to listen to while you are cooking, making lunches, doing laundry, reading about the high school coach, reading about LSU’s upcoming bowl, counting your pages of your script.  Are you in the frame of mind to write yet?

Self:  Ok, laundry started.  Lets find something to listen to now that Conan is over.  I wonder if Conan ever did any other speeches.  Let me google that.  www google dot com.  conan commencement speeches. Click.

procrastinating self:  Hey, it’s almost time to wake the kids.  You have to cook them breakfast before school!

Self: Oh that’s true.  I will prep their breakfast while I make mine. Just a minute.  Let’s see Conan’s speaks to Harvard Class.  Wait what is the article?  Conan donates money  click.

procrastinating self:  Son one needs to get up early to read some before school.

Self:  Oh yea, he won’t bother my writing cause he will be reading and I can concentrate.  Ok, where will I start after this article about Conan.

procrastinating self:  I love when the day starts out so wonderfully don’t you!

Self:  Oh man, I have lots to do and only a few more minutes to write!  SHIT.  Almost done with this article!

procrastinating self:  I RULE!

Self:  Damn so much to do before the kids get up!

Putting yourself down self:  Good Morning you fool you did it again.  You missed your writing time.

procrastinating self:  OH shut up putting yourself down self,  he has plenty of time later!

Self:  Damn I SUCK!  I have not time to write today.  How depressing.

depressed self:  Good morning me.  Took some time to get to me today huh!  You don’t need to cook yourself breakfast.  And the kids can eat Cocoa Puffs.

Self:  But I am  of Cocoa Puffs, all I have is Cheerios.  And they hate Cheerios

finance Self:  Damn, you don’t have any money till payday.  You can’t buy any Cocoa Puffs today.  Or pay your gas bill.

procrastinating self:  You can shop Thursday night.  You’ll have plenty of time!

Self:  Time to wake up the kids.  Where did my morning go?  I am in NO mood to write today. UGH!  How depressing.  Let me turn on the TV while the kids get ready!  Then I ‘ll start my day! Maybe then I can get in the frame of mind to write.  Yea that’s it!  It will be a great day!

You get the idea!  Self loses.  The other monsters wake up to battle me!  When can I write?  How do I make time?  I am not in the frame of mind.  I’ll never finish.  I know, its my father’s fault.  I am an adult child of an alcoholic parent and never finishing projects is a major characteristic flaw.  Ugh.  Another excuse. But  I’m off the hook!  I will shoot for tomorrow to write! 

Till we meet again.  Good Day.

Mind of Shoo