Talking Alone

He is in ICU.  He’s septic and on a respirator.

My friend if dying.  This was a message sent to me by his younger sister last week.  It is not surprising.  He has been in a nursing home for 10 years now with advance MS.  I knew this message would eventually arrive in some form. It came through a message on facebook.  I thought I was ready for it.  But now that it has come I don’t really know.

I have known this friend from second grade.  We are currently both 51 yrs old.  We used to be separated by a couple of miles and lots of sugar cane.  Now we are separated by a few hundred miles and a couple of states.  I visit him whenever I am visit my little hometown in south Louisiana.  The last visit I was told in advance he no long could speak….only listen.  So I spent the whole drive to Louisiana coming up with things I would say in this one sided conversation.  His sister tells me none of his friends visit so he would be thrilled to see me. It is difficult meeting him in this condition.  I wonder what he is thinking as I yap about old times and update him on my family.  I talk what feels like to myself then I leave.  Will I have a chance to comeback?  Or is this it?  It is difficult turning my back and walking out.

I feel guilty that I am living a normal life.  I wonder why he was given this set of circumstances.  It all seems so wrong.  It is hard to comprehend.

My friend is dying.  And I don’t feel like much of a friend.  I just want things to be normal.  I feel selfish in my thoughts.

Honestly, I don’t know how to feel.  All I feel is empty.

Till we meet again.  Good Day

Mind of Shoo

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One thought on “Talking Alone

  1. I’m sorry about your friend, Shoo. I know what you mean about the “selfish” thoughts of wanting things to be normal. My friend’s boyfriend has Stage 4 NHL. He came with us last weekend to say goodbye to my mother’s beach house. He wasn’t feeling well and spent much of the weekend on the couch, napping. I kept thinking how tired I am of death and illness. I just want to be free for a while. There he is, with cancer, and I’m sick of illness? What a shitty person I am. I suppose I’ll have to give myself a break for being human.

    Cyber-hugs.

    Ella

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